Breaking the News

This week, I'd have to say, that I handled things a bit better than I did the last time I was in this situation. You see, I just came to realize that this was a part of my test (details later).
I received good and bad news all with in a matter of a few days. To my surprise, the good news was better than I thought it was going to be. Praise God, right?!

In the midst of a disappointment, I had the opportunity to do a self reflection, if you will, and think about the last time I had something like this happen to me. I remember being down and upset for like 3 weeks. My goodness, right?!  But in those 3 weeks I acted like a BRAT, I learned something, and that was I didn't ever want to go through that again.

So, fast forward to this week. I did have to go through it again, but this time was different. This time, I asked God to help me not act the same way when faced with disappointment. I told Him, straight up, I don't want to respond to it the situation the same way I did last time, and really CHOSE not to.

Because we shared the news with our kids, we had to break the bad news to them too. Yay! Something I love doing, giving my kids bad news. I told my youngest daughter Eryn, who's 6, and middle daughter, Jada at the same time. Eryn was like well, I guess it's time to move on. Jada, on the other hand, didn't take it too well. She cried...I mean hard, squeaky voice, why me, cry. That broke my heart. It made me want to curl up in a ball with her and cry too. But then I remembered, that my last response to this, was me doing just that.

When I saw how my youngest daughter responded, I was like Wow!! Look at how she took that. It was like, she had no reason to be disappointed. It was like she knew God has something else for us. I watched how long Jada was in the funk, and watching her made me realize I must have gotten on my husbands nerves when I was acting like that. There I was, acting like a 9 year old little girl, mind you, that little girl was getting on my nerves acting the way she was. What a wake up call!!

Then, I had to break the news to my oldest daughter. My mini me. My 13 year old, Kaylah.  I told her when I picked her up from school.  We were sitting in the car when I explained to her what happened.  She immediately got angry and rushed out of the car. We didn't talk about it until the next day when I was taking her to school. She told me she almost cried. I told her so did I. Then I went on to explain to her that disappointments come, but that means that something better is coming along. God doesn't remove something from our lives without replacing it with His best. What we think might be for us isn't always Gods best. I told her we were settling for what we thought was for us. When I compared what we were getting to something else I saw, I immediately told myself I like this one more.  I also told her to think about how nice what we wanted would have been. Then imagine, that if this is nice, and what you would settle for, what do you think God has in store for us?!  Remember He can do exceedingly, abundantly, above all we can ask or think. (Ephesians 3:20)

In my heart I knew I was settling because what we were trying to get, wasn't our first choice. It was our second. But wanting something so bad you are willing to settle because of impatience, is not a good thing.

Crazy thing is, after I told her that, I felt like I just ministered to myself. Trying to make sure I was encouraging for my daughter caused me to be encouraging to myself. Praise God for growth!!  I saw the old D'ondra take a seat, while the more mature one came forward.

Is it Mine?

What do you do when you feel like God told you something was yours and it doesn't happen?  Did I hear right?!  Did I make this all up?!  What is it that I'm supposed to learn from this?!

I keep  hearing God say TRUST ME!  But how?!  When I thought I was trusting Him, it seemed like things kept falling apart.  Do I move?!  Do I stand still?!  Do I wait?!  I'm so confused because what I thought I heard the Lord tell me, seems to not be what HE told me...I think.

I'm hurt!  I'm depressed!  I want to be by myself all the time and mope.  But, part of me wants to hold on, fight, and not give up.  What do I do?!  I feel like crying constantly, but can't bring myself to do it.  I've asked friends to keep me in prayer, but it doesn't feel like that's enough.  I want to scream! Cry! Yell and break things to get this anger out.  I'm mad, not only at myself, but at the fact that I feel like everything God has told me wasn't what He told me.

Am I tripping?!  What is going on?!  What do you want me to do?! How do I continue to hold on when I'm being told no, over and over again?!  I want to trust!  I want to believe, but everything around me is telling me to move on, it's not going to work out.  Lord, you know my situation.  You know what's going on?!  How do I move forward?!  What do you want me to do?!  I feel like I'm doing something wrong and don't know how to make it right?!

Then I hear...I'm here D'ondra. I see you're hurt.  I feel your pain.  I know what you're going through.  None of this is every easy, but you need to Trust Me. You need to know I'm in control of it all.  Everything you're going through is for a reason.  This is going to make you stronger.  This is going to make you rely on Me for any and everything you need.  Hold on!  I'm working it out for your good.

I feel a breath or relief coming...a weight lifted off my shoulders.  A peace that only God can give.  It makes me remember what He told me again and to hold on a little while longer.  I know He make everything beautiful in His time.